Three children. Two parents. Already the odds are not in our favor, and I find myself humbled in more than one ways as I now have a newborn and two other littles. The day after I came home from the hospital, I was pretty strong, until 11:30 am when Israel screamed [he's still learning to use his words, cause he is fully capable but still wants to be sure he is heard, so he takes the easy route...and yells instead] in that horrible high pitch. It was the needle that broke this camel's back. (Or whatever that phrase is. You get me.)
I not only lashed out at them in frustration and fatigue, but then the good ol' Mommy hormones poured out as I started to cry and confess to them like they were my shrinks. Sobbing and blurting out apologies, hugging them all like I hadn't seen them in months, really breaking down...and it was only Day ONE... at 11:30 in the morning. Oh. Boy.
Life isn't easy, we all know this, and so many of us are just surviving. I feel that especially in this chapter of my life, with three kids under the age of four. Andre and I were sharing last night, and I was being honest about my major Mom guilt. I already am feeling like a major failure. I don't want to be nutso and lash out at Israel just cause he spilled tea all over my floor. I don't want to be impatient with Shalom as she has really entered the "why" phase, and I am so tired of all the questions. I don't want to be angry at my husband for waiting for the laundry to become leaning towers of Pisas in our hallway.
As I shared my heart with Ans, he shared a nugget that I am going to try to live by. Slow down. He confessed his own fragile state with the kids as well, but then, he shared, realized what a gift it was to be with his children. As he looks at each one, and sees the magnificence of each of their precious beings, their beautiful hearts and sweet spirits...nothing but complete joy and love fills his heart. Ans shared how he just wants to slow down, back up, and remember who they are and how amazing they are, and what incredible additions they are to our lives.
I listened, and felt such peace already from Ans' wisdom. If there's one thing that always reaches my heart and changes me, it's perspective. Taking time, backing up from the close messes, tantrums, and any unexpected "catastrophes" and really seeing reality. What does the Lord want me to see? What's His heart for my children? What's his heart for me? If I choose to get out of the way, and not live in my flesh...I can see so much beauty through His spirit. Even as I am writing this, everyone is still asleep except Shalom, who just woke up and she is singing "Jesus loves me, this I know..."
Precious moments. I won't catch them if I am rushing through. Today, I am going to slow down, and really look at my children, hear them, see them, and by the grace and peace of His Holy Spirit in me...I'm gonna love them. I'm declaring that over my home and in my heart.
"May grace [God's unmerited favor] and spiritual peace [which means peace with God and harmony, unity, and undisturbedness] be yours from God our Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ." –Ephesians 1:2